How to Piss Off Hundreds of People In The Aftermath of a Tragedy or How I Learned to Be Sickened by Facebook

So let me try this again.  You know that thing people say about not digging your ditch deeper?  F%&# that.  Hand me a shovel. 

So Facebook is full of attention whores.  It is designed for the expressed use of said whoring.  That is why it works.  Here's what I ate today.  Here are my pics of Asscrack, Indiana.  Here are my butt-heinous kids, etc...  I get that.  But when you post your prayers and well wishes to people during a tragedy, what is the purpose of that?  The families certainly won't see the posts.  Only your followers.  That is whoring. even if you don't know it.  I guess I can't blame you.  I like posting so much I have this stupid page.  So, I've been using dickishness to call people out on this attention hounding today.  Turns out people don't like to be called out on that sort of thing.  People have unfriended me (Seriously?  I just had to add unfriend to this dictionary thing).  So what to do?  You could pray silently in your home.  You could sit cross legged or lotus style and send love or energy across the country or world to these families.  Maybe that works.  Then the only people that would know about your prayers, wishes and energy would be you and your maker...oh, and possibly the families receiving these bucketfulls of space wishes.  But crap in one hand and send wishes on Facebook and see what you get at the end of the day.

Am I any better?  Is the whore that runs around the streets of FB pointing and yelling "Whore!  Whore!" any better?  Probably not.  Way more fun though, and at least I feel like I'm contributing to society.

So what is the alternative?  Jimmy Carter.  He used to build houses for people who needed houses.  That's pretty cool.  I think that was before Facebook.  Don't get me wrong.  HFH has a Facebook page, but they don't use it to send energy.  They use it to promote their habitat construction cause...which is pretty awesome.  Before Facebook people had to get off their asses to contribute to the world and could only tell people that they were praying for other people a couple of friends at a time.  I miss that.

Next, turn off the news.  Right.  Now.  In two days or a week or a month all the details will be out.  Don't let CNN grab your whole Friday night (or worse your whole damn weekend!) for the same footage over and over and the same sad sacks doing nothing and saying what a tragedy this is or the pro-gun and anti-gun dildos duking it out and miniscule updates every hour on the hour.  Fuck Wolf Blitzer.  At least for today, fuck him right in the facehead.  They get us during hurricanes, blizzards, wars and elections.  Take the night off.  Wait until they have something useful to say.  Tonight---go out drinking with your friends and tell some positive stories.  Hang out with your family and watch Home Alone or The Santa Clause or something.  Hug people.  Hugs are good.  Not enough hugs in the world.  Incidentally, I'm a huge proponent of hugs!  Creepy clown hugs for all!

Tomorrow--think of a way that you can improve your life and the lives of those around you: family, friends and strangers.  Then do the thing that you thought of.  Yes you can wait until after the holidays.  We're all busy...I know.  Make at a New Years resolution.  No, not one of those fake ones where you don't quit smoking, or drinking, or kicking your dog, or beating your children, or cheating on your wife.  Make a really real one and follow though with it.  If we all do that, there will be a lot less terrible tragedies for CNN to report on...at least ones as bad as this.

Caustic McGee

P.S.  Fuck you if you don't like my attitude.  Maybe my medium sized penis of truth hurts just a little too much when I pound it (minus lube) into your sensitive rear of ignorance!
Bwahhhahhahha!
P.P.S.  I'm on Chantix.  It may be making me more caustic than ever.  Whatevs.  I love it.

Stop Filling My Inbox With Lies

     G'afternoon, Clownies.  So I gets this email today from a relafriend.  Attached to the email is a power point about the history of the song "Taps".  The text of the power point is a powerful story that takes place during the U.S. Civil War.  In the story a Union captain hears a severely wounded soldier on the battle field moaning and beefing his way to the great beyond.  This crazy ass captain crawls halfway across the gut strewn battlefield, dodging bullets and rebel flags to drag this soldier to safety.  When he gets back to his camp he discovers that the soldier is a confederate.  There's more!  As he gazes down upon the soldiers face in the pale moonlight he discovers that the young man is not only his son, the solder is also a werewolf!  Ok. So I made that last part up.  The guy being his son is plenty enough Jerry Springer without the stupid werewolf thing.  To make a fake story short the captain asks for a burial with honors for his son which ain't gonna happen cause his kid is a Southie.  Cappy asks for the Army band to play at the funeral and the army says, FU...ok, we'll give you one guy.  But what to play when "Taps" hasn't been written yet.  We'll guess what.  It was!  It just happened to be on a piece of paper in the dead kid's pocket.  And the musician that the Army provided?  He was a damned bugler. 
It didn't take me too long to call bullshit on this story.  I double checked on Snopes to be sure.  So I replied back to the sender, "Great story.  But totally untrue...sadly."  Unfortunately I replied back to the whole send list.  My relafriend replied back kindly and thoughtfully, but one of the persons who I accidentally cc'd on my reply sent me this:

Harmless; I never check validity of such stories. Sorry.

     Well guess what?  You should fucking be "sorry".  First of all, when I get an email like this I check it.  Why?  Because if it is a good story and it's not a bunch of made up monkeyshit then I will forward it along.  There are good stories that deserved to be shared.  But I'm not going to forward tripe, because there's enough fucking trolling on the internet already without me aiding and abetting.  And please have no illusions, these emails are created and propagated by the trolliest of trolls.
     Harmless?  Is it really?  Here we are as a nation of nincompoops passing around a bunch of phoney fakey crap and getting our jollies by reading and sharing made up drivel when there is some seriously sick shit going on that needs our attention.  Also, there is some seriously awesome shit that needs our attention.  So we allow ourselves to be suckered in by the easy win and get choked up when we hear about how Mr. Rogers wore a sweater to hide his badass marine sniper tats or how the cockpit mic recorded an entire plane worth of prayers onto the black box as the plane went down.  Can't we appreciate Mr. Rogers awesomeness without someone turning him into a blood thirsty sniper?  Can't the plane have gone down with a bunch of solemn or horny atheists and agnostics? 
     Here's the harm, folks.  These lying liars have an agenda.  They take a story that is just fine and twist and pervert for one of two goals...furthering their cause or just plain fucking with us.  It is too easy to read a story of fake history and be taken in by a glorious tale.  Take a look at real history and learn your lessons there.  Real history is gritty and unpleasant and frequently does not have a happy ending.  Those who learn fake history are doomed to repeat the fuckups from real history.  And don't just read a story in an email (even with pics!) about how a mother dog who had just lost her puppies ran into a house and saved a litter of kittens, because here's the thing:

You are doing absolutely nothing.  

     Passing along a made up email of fake heroics might brighten somebody's day for a second or even a minute.  Ya know what's better?  Read today's news and send someone a summary of an awesome story you find there.  And include the link?  You bet your sweet patooty!  Even better than that?  YOU go do something worthy of a viral email.  Go do something great that helps people!  Someone might write an email about it!  If they don't then just create a fake gmail address like fakebillhawkins1967@gmail.com, import your email contacts, write a blurb about yourself (or better yet a power point) and have fakebillhawkins tell your family and friends what you did with a catchy title like Guess what your pal (your real name) did!  He (your real awesome deed which you did and is really real)!
     I don't bust fake emails because I'm a Debbie downer.  I don't do it to feel superior in any way (it does make me feel superior, but that's not why I do it).  I don't go to snopes to make my friends and family feel, look and possibly smell like idiots.  I do it because there is enough foolish falseness out there without people I know and love adding to it.  The trolls have taken over our very existence, but nobody is forcing us to feed them.  Conversely, there is enough real good and there are enough real heroes and truly heartwarming stories to brighten up our lives...for realz.  THOSE are the stories that need to be shared.  We don't see it because we're cleaning the meaningless freaking garbage out of our crowded-ass freaking inboxes all the time!!!  And if you cannot find the heartwarming heroic good that I write of (try stepping away from the fucking computer for a second) then go and make it happen yourself.  THEN you can email me about it! (but I'm still agonna Snope it!)  

Woot!

Caustic the Clown

Comments welcome...below me.   

Flu Shot!

Mornin', clownfolk!  I am feeling positively clowntacular!  I just received my first flu shot.  I want to see first-hand what all the conspiracy theorists are jabber-jawin' about.  According to the info sheet I could experience flu symptoms or death, but I'm hoping for neither.  The idea here, is that I can still call out for work this season, but I'll be healthy when I do!  Excerpts from a potential sick-day phone call:

Me - "Ughhhh.  Aghhhh.  Hey Mike, (cough) I'm not going to be in today.  (hack)  I've got some kind of stomach flu.  (gurgle)"
Boss - "Look here clown.  I know you came to the flu clinic we had last month and you got a shot.  You've got that Shriner's Anniversary party tonight!  What the fuck?"
Me - "(sputter)  Mike, you know the shot isn't guaranteed to protect against every flu and some people are resistant to flu vaccinations. (cough.  *almost forgot to cough*)"
Boss - "And what the hell is that sound in the background.  It sounds like a marine engine and choppy surf?  Are you on an oyster boat??"
Me - (away from phone) "*dude, Jeff, cut the engine.  My boss can tell the sound of an oyster boat for some goddamn reason!*"
"Uh, no boss.  Just layin' on the couch watching Deadliest Catch n all.  Anywhooo...(gag, cough) won't be in today.  Put Bob on the Shriner thing...he needs the hours.  May not be in tomorrow if we get stranded out here...this old engine...I mean TV...er...I might get stranded on the couch gotta go wife bringin' me Motrin and soup bye!"

Here's the bottom line.  I'm counting on my family and my readers to notice any unusual behavior from me.  I won't go into the connection between "chemtrails" and the Masonic push for vaccination.  The Illuminati secret research on government mind control through voluntary injection.  And...wait.  I'm starting to feel a little off.  Fuzzy even.  I better get my regular poast in while I can still tupe.  Whoooaaa....

Here's the thing, man.  You see?  The government is great, bro.  I mean, come on.  Like, they work hard, man.  Really, really hard...sometimes.  They're always looking out for me and shit.  I love those guys.  They're tryin' to do stuff and stuff.  I think that the pharmaceutical industry may be infallible.   That means good, right?  I think so.  I mean, they give us drugs man.  Right?  The FDA doesn't have enough power.  Wait...they have too much power.  That's what I meant to say...I think.  They wants to keep drugs away from us.  Man.  Not cool.  And that derned USDA.  What the hell do they know?  Nothin'.  That's what.  Food?  Cows?  Come on man.  Nobody can know cows.  They're like...complex.  That austistics girl maybe.  Temple Grando.  So let's get those power back to where it belongs.  Phizer, right?  Glaxo McJohnson and Havartis and AstroZenderman.  They know whut's best forrust.  Bayer and Squib.  Squibs is from Haryy Potter.  Ya'll remember them?  Squibs.  Thats sound funny.  Also, isint squips like exploding blood packs?  Like movies, right?  Cool.   Luv dem squibs.  So.  America good.  Goverment is good yes.  Pharmabutifuls is good.  Everybodies go gets flue shops.  NAOW.

Causmic MacClorown.

Election 2012! Who Won? Who Lost?

     My mother used to bum around the house in this ratty, faded old t-shirt.  The shirt read, "A woman's place is in the house...and Senate!"  You see, my folks weren't just from the 60s, they were OF the 60s.  I didn't see a lot of tye-dye shirts or batik tapestries growing up around our home, though there were plenty of Joan Baez, Bob Dylan and CSN (and sometimes Y) records.  My folks weren't hippies per se, at least not the dope smoking, Dead following, Woodstock going, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi loving kind.  They were political though, and they could sing all the words to "The Draft Dodger Rag" by Phil Ochs which is pretty damned cool.  There were campus buildings stormed and protests and the March on Washington.  As they grew older, there were jobs with the head-start program around Washington DC, college teaching and eventually both of my parents worked for or with unions.  What I'm saying is that I'm totally screwed, because the impulse that drives me to speak or write when I see something interesting, wrong, beautiful, or divisive and fight for what I believe in is not just in my blood...it is in the learned behavior from my parents as well.  I simply cannot stand back and say or do nothing.  I cannot be apolitical.  I've tried.
     So let us speak of the election.  Who lost last night?  Mitt Romney did, though his concession speech was outstanding and inspiring.  Who else lost last night:
The far right which would seek to subvert America with its own agenda along with people who think that rape and god are tied together and that abortion should be legislated accordingly.
'merica.
Independent voting and candidates.
Campaign reform.
Whitey and cracker-ass-crackers.
Debt reduction based on budget process restructuring.
Religious oppression.
People who can't define socialism and Marxism.
Those who seek to oppress women and see them as second class citizens.
Racists.
Birthers.
Donald fucking Trump.

So, who won?
Obama.
The United States of America.
Centrists and moderates.
Love and civil unions/marriage freedom.
Gerrymandering (Marylanders, fuck you very much for killing democracy!)
Religious freedom.
Affordable healthcare and people with pre-existing conditions.
Science.
Gaming concerns and gambling addicts.
Ethnic minorities.
Weed.
Big Bird. 

     There's many more on both lists, but you can figure it out.  Clownies be smart readers.
     The fact that so many of the races were very, very close goes to show that candidates on the far right and far left still have to fight very hard to win an election.  Thank god or the void or whatever that they usually lose.  Most of us live, work, think and believe somewhere in the center of possibilities and ideologies.  If you do not court this moderate center then you cannot win elections in most of the country.  Also, don't blow off, piss off or write off the ethnic minorities in this country if you want to hold office.  Take that bitchez!
     That's it I guess.  I'm still going to be around talking about stuff I love and stuff that pisses me off.  This was never meant to be a political blog.  I suppose that timing is everything.  So stay close people and I'll keep filling in your empty holes with information and saucy satire. 
'Nuff said.


Caustic the Clown

P the fuck. S. Now is the chance to abandon your party.  Do.  It.  Now.  Don't wait until the next election.  Go down to the post office this week and re-register as anything but a D or an R.  Seek out your future independent candidates and volunteer for their election bids.  Give them some money for crying out loud.  Call or email your elected officials and let them know you want to see Green party, Constitutional party and Independent candidates in future debates.  Encourage your local blogs, radio stations, news outlets all to do stories on these candidates.  Only then can we kill the two party system, and it damn well needs to die.

What is "Pro-Life"? A Redefinition.

Happy Halloween, Clownies!  I hope all of you survived Sandy with minimal destruction.

     I just read a killer op-ed piece in the NY Times by columnist Thomas Friedman.  He has some pretty choice questions for all of us to ask ourselves about what "pro-life" means.  You should click on the link and read that article now if you haven't already.  Don't worry.  I'll still be here when you get back.
     Now I'm not going to rehash the entire article, but in a minute we'll review some key points.  First, let me state that Tommy boy and I don't agree on all of his talking points.  Friedman considers New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg to be the most "pro-life" politician in the country because of the nanny state he's created.  I noticed that Tom falls short of actually approving of Bloomberg's policies.  He simply notes that Bloomberg has earned the right to be called "pro-life"...really pro-life in the ways that are important to Friedman.  I think that Bloomberg's government interference in the diets of New Yorkers is absolutely sickening.  But then, you can't have it both ways.  You can't let people poison themselves voluntarily all their lives and then let them take advantage of medicare and medicaid later for the disastrous consequences of their life habits.  Alternatively, if you take away everyone's right to slowly kill themselves with food and cigarettes then you sure as shit better put into place some solid healthcare for those you have forced into playing by the rules.  But I digress.  This is about the definition of "pro-life", not about the role of government in our fatty or sugary diets...at least not entirely.
     So what does "pro-life" mean?  As far as I can tell, it means pro-fetus only to many conservatives.  "Pro-life" conservatives want to be able to dictate legally what happens to a unborn fetus until it is safely born.  Then, it's hands off.  Friedman calls people with this approach "pro-conception-to-birth, indifferent-to-life conservative(s)".  This is an apt description.  If you want to believe that life begins at conception, and we can all pretty much believe that life ends with death then how can you stop being 'pro-life" at birth???  See what I'm saying here?  This is a serious WTF moment folks.  When you want to cut school meal programs, WIC (Women, Infants and Children supplemental nutrition program), welfare programs, government mandated insurance, and other programs that help people live, then how can you call yourselves "pro-life".
     Friedman goes on to address weapon ban legislation.  If you allow people to own weapons that go far beyond hunting and home protection, guns that are designed for military use in wartime, then how can you be "pro-life"?  These are weapons designed to kill large amounts of people in a short amount of time.  There is nothing "pro-life" about them.  Now I'm leery of weapons bans myself.  I do think there is a place in home use for assault weapons.  If there is a chance that I have to defend myself against zombies (somewhat likely) or a tyrannical government (moderately likely) or a full country invasion by aliens or a foreign power (I think that is scheduled to happen later this week) then I want quick access to anything from a M16 to an RPG.  I don't own any weapons of that sort, but they sure do look like a lot of fun.  Of course, I haven't labled myself "pro-life".  Gun bans are a slippery slope and I lean towards private citizens having too much access to guns rather than not enough.  That's just me.
     The environment is another one of Thomas Friedman's writing points.  How can you limit, restrict or underfund the EPA and still call yourself "pro-life"?  Damn good question T-Fried!  You have to remember that the Republicans (and some Democrats...incl. Obama) devastatingly bypassed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act and other environmental protections to promote natural gas production in 2005.  Is this "pro-life"?  How is eliminating health safeguards "pro-life".  It isn't.  It's "fuck-life".  So climate scientists overwhelmingly believe that the earth is warming.  There is a chance that by limiting greenhouse gasses and other pollutants we can slow or reverse that process.  Yet conservatives want less environmental restrictions on power industries.  That doesn't sound right, and it sure as shit doesn't sound "pro-life".
     One point Friedman misses a golden opportunity to discuss is the death penalty.  Folks, the word death is right the fuck in there.  Can you be "pro-life" and pro death penalty?  I.  Don't.  Think.  So.  Hey, now!  These people committed atrocities!  They threw away their rights when they went to the dark side!  Did they?  Why not leave them to rot in prison for awhile and save some money on long court cases and lengthy appeals.  And of course, our legal system is flawless, so there's no chance that we'll kill innocent people.  Right?  Nope.  Is killing innocent people "pro-life"?  Is killing guilty people?
   Here are some other dropped balls by Friedman.  What about selective service?  Is that "pro-life"?  Wars?  Is supporting US actions in foreign lands "pro-life"?  How many politicians have children in the military, fighting in the middle east and elsewhere?  What about adoption?  Where are all the adopted children from the "pro-life" people?  I know some who have adopted children, but not every one of them.  It is the ultimate hypocritical horseshit for someone to be "pro-life" and not to have adopted a single child.  That is the same NIMBY bullshit that gets liberals into trouble all the time.  You know why liberals are "pro-choice"?  Because they don't want a bunch of inner city kids running around their front yards and mooching their true-born children's college funds.  So they send tools to the city.  Most of those tools don't work well, but they can at least sleep at night.  Take some of their tax money and send it out of the suburbs to help the inner city poor and misguided as it is their consciences are clean.
     So here we are, with conservative voters and politicians willing to hang the "pro-life" label on themselves, but only as it relates to fetuses or unborn children as some like to call them.  In a world where we're discussing "legitimate rape" and the ability for a woman's body to shut down to avoid pregnancy, a world where voters may be for the death penalty, for assault weapon ownership, for gas and oil industry, anti-welfare, anti-insurance regulations and mandates, anti-EPA, anti-union, how can anybody, conservative or liberal, republican or democrat label themselves as "pro-life".  Thanks to Thomas Friedman for inspiring this entry.

Here's George Carlin's take on the same concept from many years back.

 If you like this article, don't forget to share it around the web!  There's a button for that down here somewhere...and please feel free to leave your comments in teh section below.  Go America!  Scratch that.  Let's reach across the color aisle here.  Go America!

Fo Reelz,  

Caustic the Clown

Not An Exciting Debate

G'Morning, Clownies! 
     Already I'm hearing from people this morning on how one candidate crushed the other.  I didn't see a lot of crushing.  I saw two well rehearsed and studied candidates, smug looks while waiting to speak, and a lot of agreement on what problems currently plague this country.
     Man.  Obama sure is a windbag.  I listened to his anniversary wishes to Michelle and then just tuned out!  No.  I didn't do that.  It was neat to watch Mitt realize as the debate wore on that if he didn't talk over Jim Lehrer, then he wasn't going to get to match Obama on time.  He stepped it up and stopped taking no for an answer.  Here's a nice story from FOX about how much Jim sucks.  I can't find a debate fact check page on their site.  Isn't that wack?  Yes.  Whatever that means.
     I would have loved to hear what the candidates said to each other as they walked out and shook hands cordially.  My tele was not up loud enough for that.  Sad.  I don't have the time for a blow by blow so here's some quick highlights:
     Romney busted Obama's chops for not being more aggressive with revising and then promoting Simpson-Bowles.  He was right to do so.  It isn't that Simpson-Bowles is a flawless cure-all plan to destroy the deficit, but that Obama could have been working harder to lower the deficit even in a down-turned economy.  We can discuss Congress' current lack of movement and whether or not Obama can reach across the aisle without totally watering down the effectiveness of any given bill or budget plan, but we're not going to.  Tough titties.
     Romney once again misrepresented the $716 billion dollar Medicare cut.  Can we drop this already?  The cut doesn't affect benefits for people that receive medicare.  Ok?  It doesn't.  Also, let us not forget that Paul Ryan has, in the past, promoted a similar cut to Medicare, but without Obamacare to keep the benefits stable.
     Obama took some hits on failed alternative energy companies like Solyndra.  We all understand that Bush II started the initiative that allowed for guaranteed loans to clean energy projects.  Right???  The Obama Stimulus Package also allowed for money to go to clean energy.  Congress approved that package.  The program, started by Bush, and maintained by Obama has been a success per the original aim and concept of the plan.  The House has investigated Solyndra for over a year and has turned up "no wrong doing".  Who controls the House again?  Nuff said.
     Both candidates want to cut the deficit.  Obama wants to use a balanced approach and Romney doesn't want to increase revenue.  Obama is right on this.  Taxes have to go up for the wealthy.  Romney and Obama both want to close loopholes in the tax codes, which is great, but what deductions does Mitt want to eliminate?  He didn't really get into that.  Which isn't great.  I like my deductions very much.
     The bottom line:
    The debate was light on zingers.  That is real classy, but sad.  I love zingers (pronounced New York style - zing-guz).  Both candidates conducted themselves professionally and civilly.  That is super classy, but boring as shit.  We got no meltdowns, no explosions, and no sweating through shirts.  We all know what the problems are, but the solutions we have either don't work, don't work fast enough, or are untested.  Last night I learned nothing that I didn't already know.  So, all things considered I would have rather been watching the new release of The Princess Bride on Blu-ray.

Here's some links for debate fact checking, because even though you smell funny, I respect you.  The lying and bullshit were minimal, but awesomely even from both candidates.  Well, almost awesomely even.

Here is a fact check list from npr.  Check it out.  There are other good ones around the web as well and most of them agree with each other.
Factcheck.org Dis one is super short, sweet and fair.
Politifact.com Dis one has real purty pichers.
Salon.com 
The Daily Beast 

Please feel free to leave your impressions on last night's debate in the comment area below.  Don't forget to share this page on Facebook and Twitter and get me more peeps to preach to!  Amen brothers and sisters!

Caustic the Clown

Calling All Trolls!

To the Clownie trolls in my entourage,

     The Tea Party Birthers are alive and well and creeping around the darkest corners of facebook...right...about...here.  See them?  Their ratty whiskers poke out from behind the wall just before their disease infested noses.  You can hear them scuttling behind the old drywall, feeding on the crumbs of propaganda and misinformation.  Please take some time each day to go on here, troll these douche bags and drop some facts on they asses.  Throw yourself down on the flaming sword of righteousness and you will then be an hero.

     While you're at it, go here and keep the liberals honest as well.  These people more than occasionally cross the lines of accuracy and good taste.  YOU can be the fact checker.  It's true.  Fact checking is what's for dinner and no organization with a political agenda should be immune to your appetite for scrutiny!!!

Viva La Revolucion,

Caustic the Clown

Time To Register As An Independent!

     Mornin', Clownies.  Let's get started!  I got an email from the Democratic National Committee reminding me to vote for Obama and the rest of the Democrats running in my area.  It occurred to me that emails like this were likely going out on both sides to the entire country.  I find it disturbing that we're being encouraged to vote thoughtlessly along party lines rather than voting our consciences, wallets, and minds...in other words, not giving a shit about parties and caring about the country in general.  I unsubscribed from the mailing list.  I haven't been a Democrat in 12 years.  I am proud to be a registered Independent.
     How could I possibly pick a party in this day and age with my centrist beliefs???
     I'm very pro gun.  Not for some 2nd Amendment reason.  I just like guns.  I want the ability to shoot an intruder in the face if he comes in to my house and threatens my family.  I want to feel secure in my ability to survive the upcoming and guaranteed zombie holocaust.  And when our paper dragon government and economy totally crumble, I want to be able to keep the mad and hungry masses from coming into my home and stealing what I gotz.
     I abhor abortion.  It makes me want to yark all over myself.  When you learn about the process and see the pictures, it should make you sick to your gutty-wuts.  Never the less, I am a realist.  This country is overcrowded.  There are unplanned pregnancies and not enough people to adopt unwanted children.  As far as I know, we don't offer free sterilization to those who want it.  So I am a pro-life person who believes in pro-choice legislation.
     Social issues that promote equality across lines of sex and sexual orientation need to be resolved.  I believe in civil unions for the LGBT community.  There should be no more than civil unions for ALL people.  Let churches handle marriages and let the government grant civil unions to everybody.  Problem solved.  Equal rights are good.  Minorities and women don't get paid as well as their man-cracker equivalents.  Equal pay is also good.
     My foreign policy is a little trickier.  We need to stop sending hard earned tax dollars overseas.  We are worse than broke.  We're 16 trillion dollars in debt.  By the end of this year, the 2012 interest on that money will be nearing half of a trillion dollars.  So, we need to stop writing checks to countries that have disasters.  We don't have the money.  We need to stop paying military contractors that are ripping us off...and they most definitely are.  According to CNN, one soldier in Afghanistan for one year costs about $850,000.  We need to get our soldiers home asap if for nothing but the exorbitant cost of having them away.  So I'm pro-military and defense, but anti-government-waste.  Let's not close down homeless shelters and schools because some other country can't take care of itself.  Time for tough love.  Do I want to help?  Maybe.  Bottom line?  No money, so cut that shit out.
     The way this country budgets its money needs to be fixed.  We cannot continue to reward departments and agencies for overspending and waste.  We need to reward them for underspending.  That is how companies used to work and it makes sense.  That is another post entirely.
     Our agencies that we count on to keep us safe and regulate how things are manufactured and then get to the store and then into our bodies are poorly managed, undermanned and underfunded.  The FDA and the USDA rely largely on test results provided by the companies that are bringing their products in to be tested.  How fucked up is that?  Very?  Yes.  Yes it is.
     There's many more issues that I care about, but I'm kinda hungover and need to get to the meat of this piece.  What I'm trying to say is that neither of the Big Two parties suit my needs or reflect what is important to me in whole.  Do your beliefs fit snugly and all comfy like within party lines?  I'm willing to bet that they don't.
     Your party doesn't want you to think about all the issues.  They want you to be distracted by the hot button issues that are divisive and may or may not be that important in the greater scheme of the well being of this country.  Why is that?  Because Congress is doing a shit job and when you're worried about your party and about the social issue of the day then you're not paying attention to the fact that our government is broken and almost nobody in office knows how to fix it.  I don't have this first hand, but I have a feeling that when some young upstart comes into the House or Senate and tries to shake things up, they're blackballed by the current establishment.  The status quo is an institution and an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
     The DNC and RNC don't give a shit about you and most of your congressmen don't either.  Believe it.  According to USA Today 57 congresspeople are in the fabled 1% and there are 250 millionaires total in Congress.  When I look at that I don't see Republicans vs Democrats, I see the wealthy vs everyone else.  You think the upper echelons of both parties aren't chummy?  I'll just bet they are,  and no matter who wins what election the money keeps flowing on up to them though lobbying, bribes, donations, book tours, speaking engagements, etc...  One of the best ways to send a message to your elected officials is to drop out of your party...and do it now.  It is not too late to register as an Independent for this upcoming election.  Once independent voters gain numbers, we'll see better independent choices on the ballots and the Republicans and Democrats will have to spend more time working on the issues rather than making their party constituents happy.  Doesn't that sound nice?  Fucking right it does.

Caustic the Clown

http://security.blogs.cnn.com/2012/02/28/one-soldier-one-year-850000-and-rising/

http://www.treasurydirect.gov/govt/reports/ir/ir_expense.htm

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/2011-11-15/congress-wealthy-1/51216626/1

A Voice of Reason and Logic in This Time of Extremist Madness

Sent from the CNN App for Android Shaikh: Protests as stupid as anti-Islam film http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/20/opinion/shaikh-mideast-protesters/index.html

Please Enjoy this Drivel!

Mornin, Clownies!  By now you should know that I'm a liberal minded clown, at least socially.  I frequent sites that stroke my liberal mind and typically agree with my philosophies, but I am a hard and angry social liberal.  A few days ago I received this piece of crap.  Please enjoy this drivel which is not "sent by", but "sponsored on a site run by" Moveon.org.  Let me break it down paragraph by paragraph for you.

Dear MoveOn member,

^This is me...your ol' buddy Caustic...(here comes the Capt. Kirk voice) but a member...for...how long?

Our daughter Brittani was killed in a tragic and brutal car accident three days before her twenty-third birthday—just a week before her college graduation.


I have no idea if this accident was tragic.  I wasn't there.  I have only the assertion of the authors that this is the case.  Brittani could have been the next Hitler for all I know.  Was the accident itself brutal?  The death?  I may never know.

Brittani had dedicated her life to serving people and making people's lives better. She had her whole life ahead of her.

She only thought she had her whole life in front of her.  She didn't really.  Trust me, 'cause she's dead.  Also, rarely do I meet someone who dedicates their whole lives to "serving" people and even less often someone who wants to make people's lives better.  Maybe she was a 24 hour waitress on top of being a college student.  Now that is a dedicated server.

When Brittani died, she still had student loans to pay off, and for more than three years Citibank demanded repayment from our family. While we grieved, Citibank continued to demand payment, and we struggled to pay these bills monthly.

Did you or your daughter take out this loan?  What were the terms of the loan?  I bet there was something in the contract that stipulated that you have to pay the loan off.  That is pretty standard loan agreement language.  Guess what?  In the America I want to live in, we pay off our fucking loans...dead daughter or no.  Why does everyone want a fucking free pass these days?  Would you have struggled to pay if she lived?  How does her death affect the payment schedule here?  Based on the spelling of Brittani's name, it is possible that the application process for scholarships was beyond your family's capabilities, and that she would not have received any academic ones had you managed to send in the requests.

Tell Citibank to stop trying to collect student debt from grieving families after their child dies.

No.  Citibank is arguably the outpost of Satan and his hellish minions on Earth.  I am not here to deny that.  They are the embodiment of evil banking empires and have fucked my family personally on multiple occasions.  So, you made a deal with the devil.  I hope you're happy.  Make a new daughter and help her get some scholarships this time around.  I was a complete dunder-head in high school and my family still helped me get some scholarships.

Our family is lucky. After more than three years of pleading with Citibank, we started an online petition on SignOn.org. With the help of friends, MoveOn, and so many others, our petition spread fast. And once Citibank started to feel public pressure, they called us and agreed to forgive Brittani's student debt.

  
So, by taking advantage of the sympathies of the interwebs you beat the system.  Con-fucking-gratulations. 

But what about all the other families in this situation? No one should have to go through this kind of ordeal. And we know we're not the only ones who have had this experience with Citibank and other big banks.

Screw you and screw those families.  You are embarrassing yourselves and the other hard working people in this country.  It had never occurred to me to side with Big Banking in a David and Goliath match...ever.  Until now.

Citibank received a taxpayer bailout, while most families get no help when they need it most. Citibank should institute a policy of student loan forgiveness when a student dies and stop going after family members.

Yeah.  I'm not an economist.  The issue is not whether or not Citigroup accepted a bailout.  If you had a beef with that, then why the hell did you go to them for a loan?  Way to boycott, Einsteen!  It is distinctly possible that if we did not bail out the banking system that our entire economy would have collapsed.  As far as that goes, we have to blame the lack of oversight that allowed the banks to get this large in the 1st place.  Secondly, every family has help available to them.  There are food stamps when you're hungry, bankruptcy when you're broke, scholarships when you're too poor for school, and maybe consider this...instead of jumping into any kind of loan or credit situation that you can't afford to pay off, maybe save up next time.  Or, send her to community college for a few years.  Maybe she wasn't college material.  Not everyone is.  Even better, pay for your next dead daughter's college in cash.  THAT is the way to stick it to the banking system.  That is the way to beat Citibank, Bank of America, and Wells Fargo.

Click here to tell Citibank to forgive student debts of young people when they die.

Not bloody likely.  Go to hell.  Stop pissing on my country.  Fuck the banks and the system that put them into place, but not like this.  Not like this.

–Keith and Michelle Norris

This petition was created on SignOn.org, the progressive, nonprofit petition site. SignOn.org is sponsored by MoveOn Civic Action, which is not responsible for the contents of this or other petitions posted on the site. The Norris family didn't pay us to send this email—we never rent or sell the MoveOn.org list.

Offended?  Good.  I'm not soft on crime.  I'm not soft on death.  I'm not soft on deadbeats and layabouts.  This is all about the tough love, and if that upsets you, then I'm doing it right.


Caustic the Clown

Teaching, Unions, and Chicago

 I love teaching.  I teach at a union clown night school.  It isn't easy.  Watching those red noses bobbing in mock-comprehension as I try to explain the physics of the Newtonian arc-of-descent as it relates to the timing of juggling and the accuracy of spraying a target with seltzer breaks my heart, but also steels my resolve.  Seeing mascara run black over white grease paint as my students eyes moisten to the realization that they finally "get it" makes it all worth while.  Some of them get it quickly, but some of them never get it.  I adjust my strategy accordingly and aim for improvement the next time.  Luckily for me that doesn't mean they still can't be a damned great clown.  I don't get any benefits as a Washington D.C. area clown educator.  I don't have beef with that.  The pay is high, and it's a second job.  My day job as a union clown has great benefits, so that's a-OK.
   Unions are important.  I didn't do a Labor Day post.  I was too fucking busy taking a day off and enjoying life.  Sue me.  Joe Pesci willing, you were doing the same damn thing.  So, let me jump back and tell you some of the things unions have done for you.  Unions in the U.S. have given you or helped in getting you higher pay, healthcare benefits, retirement benefits, an 8 hour work day, a 40 hour work week, weekends, safer conditions, paid vacation, national holidays, child labor laws, equal pay for women, minorities and the elderly, apprenticeship guidelines and a unified voice in collective bargaining with employers that in many areas we have taken for granted or pissed away completely.  We do not protect our lazy workers, but we do protect our slower ones.  Some of them have injuries, some are older, but they bring skill and problem solving to counter-balance our speedy, but sophomoric newbs.  For the most part, this is what we get when unions work well.
     We have also seen cities in strangleholds and organized crime influence when union power is abused.  We also see this with other groups as well (e.g. politicians, police, taxi drivers, etc.)  This does not come from being union, but it does come with having a lot of power.  I live and work near our nation's capitol.  My union does not have a dominant market share of the clown and amusement industry in our jurisdiction.  This keeps us honest, but it keeps us fighting non-stop against those who would seek to keep our voice quiet. 
     We have a "no-strike" clause built into our contract.  We work our issues out at the bargaining table and every renegotiation we leave this clause in to sweeten the process between us and the Washington Area Clown Amusement and Wonderment Attractions Contractors Association (WACAWACA).  However, if things get rough (rougher than they are) we will yank that clause faster than the pull chain on a spinning bow-tie.  Then, if things get bad enough where we feel a need to strike, we'll strike.  Who will we be hurting?  The children.  Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
    We like children.  We love children.  That is why we got into the fucking clown business in the first place.  In the late eighties, some of our members loved children too much...wayyyyy too much.  Now we have a mandatory background check and psychological profile also built into our contract.  That eventually cleaned things up!  We are doing this for the children, but we need to make a decent living while we do it.  And benefits?  Hells yes!  There's a lot of tumbling and exploding balloon-animal-in-the-eye related injuries.  This is not an easy job.  Accidents happen and we need health care.  We have it, but when it the benefits don't rise to meet the costs and we have to come out of pocket, it's like getting a pay cut.  Or when we have to take money out of our salary to cover rising healthcare or pension costs, that also feels like a pay cut!  My whole family depends on my benefits.  The benefits must be fitting of the honor and dignity of our work, i.e., clown work.
     So let us discuss Chicago.  Chicago has long been known as a bastion of union strength, but also of corruption.  Also, let us not forget Rahm Ass-Hat Emanuel.  This power-mad super-douche decided that his city had the authority to decide what sort of restaurant could be opened based on the politics and beliefs of its president.  What a fascist fuck-head.  Alas, I digress...we're here to talk union teachers in Chicago.
     What in De Niro's name do these greedy gut teachers want?  Here's a nice breakdown created by CNN.
http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2012/09/10/what-are-key-issues-in-chicago-public-school-strike/
It comes down to compensation and benefits, job security, and a new teacher evaluation system.  None of that seems unreasonable at first...but let me dig a little deeper.
     Are the compensation increases out of sync with inflation?  The teachers want 16% over four years.  Our current national rate is well below that, but you have to remember that they are negotiating for the NEXT four years.  I'm not saying I agree, but you have to aim high during negotiations.  Are they aiming too high?  I would say yes.  What about base pay?  According to the Chicago Board of Education, via CNN, "The average teacher salary in Chicago was $74,839 for the 2011-12 school year..."  That sounds high to me.  Not higher than it should be, mind you, but higher that where I live.  In Maryland, according to Stardem.com the mean salary for teachers is $63,634.  Now if you take into account the cost of living difference for Chicago vs. the state of Maryland you get...math.  According to bestplaces.net the cost of living in MD is higher than in Chicago.  So at least in relation to my state, Chicago is already ahead of the game.  In addition, they want to increase the teacher contribution to their medical fund.  For some teachers this will be $20 extra per pay period.
     What about job security?  The teachers want more training and continuing education programs for themselves and placement preference for laid-off workers.  Sounds good to me.  More training should make for better teachers.  Protection and placement plans for laid-off teachers means that the bosses have to look carefully at the math when it is time to make cuts and that simply closing a school may not be the best solution to resolve cost and performance issues.
     Howzabout the new evaluation system?  From what I read the system is based largely on standardized test scores.  Ask any teacher that you know personally how they feel about the standardized tests used currently in their school.  The standardized testing system has totally corn-holed our students AND teachers.  We now prep our kids to take a few tests over the course of their education rather than focus on giving them the problem solving skills and intuitive thinking that they will need to actually survive, achieve and (dare I say it?) excel in this world.  Some teachers I know personally break curriculum to teach their kids the minimum needed to pass these tests to make room for more valuable lessons.  So let's punish the teachers for giving a shit and reward the ones who dole out by rote the plans approved by the world class assholes at the local Board of Education.
     So are the teachers right to strike?  Maybe.  Especially on some points over others.  Did my International Allied Entertainers and Amusements Guild Local 8 take a pay freeze over the last two years?  Yes...to ease the burden on our contractors and to stop the loss of our market share.  Did we increase the amount we have to spend on our benefits during that time so that we would not lose our top tier health coverage?  Hells yes.  Did that feel like a pay cut?  Fo' reelz.  But we are a trade union and very conscious of our mortality.  The teachers unions are a little different and of course their decisions affect families and children directly.  
     To sum up (in no particular order):
Unions should never abuse their power...but there is always that possibility.
If you are siding with the government against a union, you're probably on the wrong fucking side.  If you're siding with the Board of Education over teachers, see the preceding sentence.
Our current standardized testing policies are no way to educate a student and no way to evaluate teachers.
Health benefits are expensive.  Sometimes you have to pony up to keep the badass benefits you already have.
Chicago teachers make more than most of the teachers where I live and they want more over the next four years.  Percentage wise they want more than most Americans will probably see in the next 6 years.
School closings are no joke.  Serious evaluation needs to be made in every education district as to how and why they close schools.
350,000 students without a place to go in the morning is a nasty thing to do to however many parents that comes out to.  The low-income parents with multiple kids do not need that shit right now.  Sure, Chicago teachers, you needed to draw some attention to your situation, but is it the right attention?
Unions...pick your battles wisely.  When your side is just, most Americans will see that it is so.  If you want middle class street cred again in this country...use your wisdom at least as much as your power.

TLDR,
Caustic the Clown

Agree?  Disagree?  Feel free to sound off in the comments section below.

Smiling Everyday People and Blue Skies for All!

     Mornin', Clownies!  I was watching the DNC last night on CNN.  I saw some good speakers, and bad.  I heard some truth, but a lot of party rhetoric.  I saw one painfully long monologue by John Kerry about how Bin Laden was caught single-handedly by Obama, crawling through the desert with a knife in his mouth...Rambo style.  We get it.  We got him.  Nuff said.  That is barely a policy and hardly a platform.  The previous nights where much of the time was spent dissecting the lies of the Republicans and of Mitt Romney was time much better spent.  The bottom line, is that I passed out before Obama...which is no big deal.  I know what Obama stands for.  I'll watch the speech later today and feel better for it.  Tune in early next week if you want to hear about how the Democratic and Republican parties are killing your America!  Srsly.
     None of that is what I'm here to talk about.  I kept seeing these commercials all night.  They were really getting into my head!  One was called (wait for it...inhale deeply and say it very breathily with me...) Dreams...............(ahhhhhhhhhh).  Sounds great doesn't it?  It reminds me of puffy clouds and soft pillows; fuzzy kitties and fluffy puppies!  Here's the link! Dreams...............
     So let us please look at some of the brilliant imagery shown in this 30 second America's Natural Gas Alliance (ANGA) propaganda film:  
A dad and kid stunned by the awesomeness of an American flag which looks to be hung outside of The Brady Bunch house.
Fresh graduates and minority newlyweds.
A single, successful woman working on her tablet and a young college-aged girl doing her laundry in a laundrymat.
Texting.  Is that phone powered by natural gas?  If so, I want one.
Cue the bus.
Let put on the kettle for a boil!
Minority mom shopping with baby.
A city at night.
Happy, blue jean wearin' old white guys working down to the fact'ry.
A shiny new power plant, poised in front of a cerulean sky, bellowing something...'sokay, it's just water vapor and condensate.
Power plant workstation.
Hey look! I see windmills and solar panels under Ferris Bueller skies.  These guys are alright!
Turn some knobs and check the gauges.
(At this point we hear about how all energy development can be risky, bet we've already been dazzled at this point.  If we're concerned about the risk then we're against single mothers, clouds, blue skies, workers, job creation and minorities.)
Asian family watching TV in the future.
(Now we hear that responsible gas production is not a dream.  So the short is bookended with the concept of dreams.  The dreams of financial and emotional success for struggling Americans and the dream of clean, safe, natural gas.) 
Last image?  A single gas drilling rig standing over fields of gold at dusk.  The words we hear over this last image?  "Putting us in control of our energy future, now."
     Who is us?  America?  I don't think so.  Us is the gas industry.  No, that is not bad grammar.  I'm trying to make a fucking point here.  This commercial is bloody brilliant.  All of us are one of the people we saw in this commercial, or at least someone we might run into at the MVA, or possibly avoid at the grocery store, or who might cut us off on the way in to work.  The people in this film are struggling to make it, but workin' hard just like you and me!  Some of them have made it, probably in large part due to the natural gas industry.

     These are some of the companies who are behind ANGA:
Cabot Oil and Gas
Chesapeake Energy
Encana
These are just the ones that affect this clown directly.
Here's the full list from ANGA itself. - Behind ANGA
     I'm not down on natural gas.  I study natural gas.  I teach a class about natural gas.  I can tell you when the 1st natural gas pipeline was installed and where.  FYI...it was made of pine logs and leaked like a sonofabitch.  You have no fucking idea how much natural gas is used by the International Allied Entertainers and Amusements Guild (Local 8, represent!)  Forget about seltzer water...my industry absolutely depends on natural goddamn gas.  
     What bothers me, is that the companies listed above do not care about your safety and health.  We're not talking about Gasland here, folks.  Fuck Gasland.  Gasland is awesome, but flawed.  We're talking about an industry that has been allowed to bypass nearly every environmental law designed to protect people like you, from companies like them.  Laws that protect your water, air and environment in general have been totally bypassed to allow these money grubbing energy giants to stroll in and rape your earth at will, or for a little money for the land owner.  So don't be suckered in by...Dreams...(ahhhhh).  Call your congresspeople.  Make them work for their money for once.  Let them feel your anga (look at what I did there).  See what legislation that restricts the Oil and Gas Industry from killing your rivers, and mountains, and lakes, and aquifers, and trees is getting voted on.  Read it, and tell your elected officials that it is time to toughen up on oil and gas.  We need that stuff, but not at the cost of our own health, lives and environment.  Your intelligent comments and input are somewhat welcome in the comment section below.
 

Caustic the Clown

P.S.  Eschew propaganda in all its forms.  It is everywhere and it is designed solely to brainwash, corrupt and subvert you.

I Am The Angry Clown

I am the clown of your dreams...or maybe your nightmares.  I am a political clown, a union clown, an independent clown, but never, EVER a party clown.  My allegiance lies with myself and the people I have sworn to protect.  I may smile occasionally, but only in celebration of bittersweet victories or as a mask to hide my moue of disgust.  I am sickened by what is going on in my country, in your country...in our country.  Every day we move closer and closer to the humankind represented by movies like Wall-E and Idiocracy.

If you do not know the name of your current state governor, then you may not belong here.  If you believe that the salvation of the world likes in some floaty, beardy, all powerful dude up in the sky, then you may not belong here.  If you believe that your church can solve the woes of your life and those of your community, then you may not belong here...but don't leave just yet.  I, and those of my ilk, are here to educate and enlighten.  Stick around, and you may just learn something.

If you believe that in helping your fellow man, you help humankind, then this is your place.  If you believe that there is good in this world and it needs to be salvaged and nurtured, not only by others, but by you, then you can come here and chill.  If you believe in truth, justice and the satirical way, then you may crash on my smelly, dog hair covered, syphilis ridden, mouldy Cheetos under the cushions couch and occasionally drink my OJ straight from the container.  Just close the fridge all the way when you're done, and If you finish the jug, then please replace it before I get home from work.  And work I do.  I will stop by here as much as possible to put my two caustic cents into the proverbial jar.  Please feel free to take a penny and/or leave a penny.  But remember, this is my fucking house, and this house ain't no democracy.  It's a clownocracy and I'm the swinging dick of this clown town.  To be frank, I'm not entirely sure what that means, but if you get out of line or start any dumbass shit, or start acting like troll-ass clown-shoes, then your comments will get purged faster than you can say kung pao chicken.

The triumphant, and third rebirth of Caustic the Clown has begun.

Caustic the Clown