How to Piss Off Hundreds of People In The Aftermath of a Tragedy or How I Learned to Be Sickened by Facebook

So let me try this again.  You know that thing people say about not digging your ditch deeper?  F%&# that.  Hand me a shovel. 

So Facebook is full of attention whores.  It is designed for the expressed use of said whoring.  That is why it works.  Here's what I ate today.  Here are my pics of Asscrack, Indiana.  Here are my butt-heinous kids, etc...  I get that.  But when you post your prayers and well wishes to people during a tragedy, what is the purpose of that?  The families certainly won't see the posts.  Only your followers.  That is whoring. even if you don't know it.  I guess I can't blame you.  I like posting so much I have this stupid page.  So, I've been using dickishness to call people out on this attention hounding today.  Turns out people don't like to be called out on that sort of thing.  People have unfriended me (Seriously?  I just had to add unfriend to this dictionary thing).  So what to do?  You could pray silently in your home.  You could sit cross legged or lotus style and send love or energy across the country or world to these families.  Maybe that works.  Then the only people that would know about your prayers, wishes and energy would be you and your maker...oh, and possibly the families receiving these bucketfulls of space wishes.  But crap in one hand and send wishes on Facebook and see what you get at the end of the day.

Am I any better?  Is the whore that runs around the streets of FB pointing and yelling "Whore!  Whore!" any better?  Probably not.  Way more fun though, and at least I feel like I'm contributing to society.

So what is the alternative?  Jimmy Carter.  He used to build houses for people who needed houses.  That's pretty cool.  I think that was before Facebook.  Don't get me wrong.  HFH has a Facebook page, but they don't use it to send energy.  They use it to promote their habitat construction cause...which is pretty awesome.  Before Facebook people had to get off their asses to contribute to the world and could only tell people that they were praying for other people a couple of friends at a time.  I miss that.

Next, turn off the news.  Right.  Now.  In two days or a week or a month all the details will be out.  Don't let CNN grab your whole Friday night (or worse your whole damn weekend!) for the same footage over and over and the same sad sacks doing nothing and saying what a tragedy this is or the pro-gun and anti-gun dildos duking it out and miniscule updates every hour on the hour.  Fuck Wolf Blitzer.  At least for today, fuck him right in the facehead.  They get us during hurricanes, blizzards, wars and elections.  Take the night off.  Wait until they have something useful to say.  Tonight---go out drinking with your friends and tell some positive stories.  Hang out with your family and watch Home Alone or The Santa Clause or something.  Hug people.  Hugs are good.  Not enough hugs in the world.  Incidentally, I'm a huge proponent of hugs!  Creepy clown hugs for all!

Tomorrow--think of a way that you can improve your life and the lives of those around you: family, friends and strangers.  Then do the thing that you thought of.  Yes you can wait until after the holidays.  We're all busy...I know.  Make at a New Years resolution.  No, not one of those fake ones where you don't quit smoking, or drinking, or kicking your dog, or beating your children, or cheating on your wife.  Make a really real one and follow though with it.  If we all do that, there will be a lot less terrible tragedies for CNN to report on...at least ones as bad as this.

Caustic McGee

P.S.  Fuck you if you don't like my attitude.  Maybe my medium sized penis of truth hurts just a little too much when I pound it (minus lube) into your sensitive rear of ignorance!
Bwahhhahhahha!
P.P.S.  I'm on Chantix.  It may be making me more caustic than ever.  Whatevs.  I love it.

Stop Filling My Inbox With Lies

     G'afternoon, Clownies.  So I gets this email today from a relafriend.  Attached to the email is a power point about the history of the song "Taps".  The text of the power point is a powerful story that takes place during the U.S. Civil War.  In the story a Union captain hears a severely wounded soldier on the battle field moaning and beefing his way to the great beyond.  This crazy ass captain crawls halfway across the gut strewn battlefield, dodging bullets and rebel flags to drag this soldier to safety.  When he gets back to his camp he discovers that the soldier is a confederate.  There's more!  As he gazes down upon the soldiers face in the pale moonlight he discovers that the young man is not only his son, the solder is also a werewolf!  Ok. So I made that last part up.  The guy being his son is plenty enough Jerry Springer without the stupid werewolf thing.  To make a fake story short the captain asks for a burial with honors for his son which ain't gonna happen cause his kid is a Southie.  Cappy asks for the Army band to play at the funeral and the army says, FU...ok, we'll give you one guy.  But what to play when "Taps" hasn't been written yet.  We'll guess what.  It was!  It just happened to be on a piece of paper in the dead kid's pocket.  And the musician that the Army provided?  He was a damned bugler. 
It didn't take me too long to call bullshit on this story.  I double checked on Snopes to be sure.  So I replied back to the sender, "Great story.  But totally untrue...sadly."  Unfortunately I replied back to the whole send list.  My relafriend replied back kindly and thoughtfully, but one of the persons who I accidentally cc'd on my reply sent me this:

Harmless; I never check validity of such stories. Sorry.

     Well guess what?  You should fucking be "sorry".  First of all, when I get an email like this I check it.  Why?  Because if it is a good story and it's not a bunch of made up monkeyshit then I will forward it along.  There are good stories that deserved to be shared.  But I'm not going to forward tripe, because there's enough fucking trolling on the internet already without me aiding and abetting.  And please have no illusions, these emails are created and propagated by the trolliest of trolls.
     Harmless?  Is it really?  Here we are as a nation of nincompoops passing around a bunch of phoney fakey crap and getting our jollies by reading and sharing made up drivel when there is some seriously sick shit going on that needs our attention.  Also, there is some seriously awesome shit that needs our attention.  So we allow ourselves to be suckered in by the easy win and get choked up when we hear about how Mr. Rogers wore a sweater to hide his badass marine sniper tats or how the cockpit mic recorded an entire plane worth of prayers onto the black box as the plane went down.  Can't we appreciate Mr. Rogers awesomeness without someone turning him into a blood thirsty sniper?  Can't the plane have gone down with a bunch of solemn or horny atheists and agnostics? 
     Here's the harm, folks.  These lying liars have an agenda.  They take a story that is just fine and twist and pervert for one of two goals...furthering their cause or just plain fucking with us.  It is too easy to read a story of fake history and be taken in by a glorious tale.  Take a look at real history and learn your lessons there.  Real history is gritty and unpleasant and frequently does not have a happy ending.  Those who learn fake history are doomed to repeat the fuckups from real history.  And don't just read a story in an email (even with pics!) about how a mother dog who had just lost her puppies ran into a house and saved a litter of kittens, because here's the thing:

You are doing absolutely nothing.  

     Passing along a made up email of fake heroics might brighten somebody's day for a second or even a minute.  Ya know what's better?  Read today's news and send someone a summary of an awesome story you find there.  And include the link?  You bet your sweet patooty!  Even better than that?  YOU go do something worthy of a viral email.  Go do something great that helps people!  Someone might write an email about it!  If they don't then just create a fake gmail address like fakebillhawkins1967@gmail.com, import your email contacts, write a blurb about yourself (or better yet a power point) and have fakebillhawkins tell your family and friends what you did with a catchy title like Guess what your pal (your real name) did!  He (your real awesome deed which you did and is really real)!
     I don't bust fake emails because I'm a Debbie downer.  I don't do it to feel superior in any way (it does make me feel superior, but that's not why I do it).  I don't go to snopes to make my friends and family feel, look and possibly smell like idiots.  I do it because there is enough foolish falseness out there without people I know and love adding to it.  The trolls have taken over our very existence, but nobody is forcing us to feed them.  Conversely, there is enough real good and there are enough real heroes and truly heartwarming stories to brighten up our lives...for realz.  THOSE are the stories that need to be shared.  We don't see it because we're cleaning the meaningless freaking garbage out of our crowded-ass freaking inboxes all the time!!!  And if you cannot find the heartwarming heroic good that I write of (try stepping away from the fucking computer for a second) then go and make it happen yourself.  THEN you can email me about it! (but I'm still agonna Snope it!)  

Woot!

Caustic the Clown

Comments welcome...below me.   

Flu Shot!

Mornin', clownfolk!  I am feeling positively clowntacular!  I just received my first flu shot.  I want to see first-hand what all the conspiracy theorists are jabber-jawin' about.  According to the info sheet I could experience flu symptoms or death, but I'm hoping for neither.  The idea here, is that I can still call out for work this season, but I'll be healthy when I do!  Excerpts from a potential sick-day phone call:

Me - "Ughhhh.  Aghhhh.  Hey Mike, (cough) I'm not going to be in today.  (hack)  I've got some kind of stomach flu.  (gurgle)"
Boss - "Look here clown.  I know you came to the flu clinic we had last month and you got a shot.  You've got that Shriner's Anniversary party tonight!  What the fuck?"
Me - "(sputter)  Mike, you know the shot isn't guaranteed to protect against every flu and some people are resistant to flu vaccinations. (cough.  *almost forgot to cough*)"
Boss - "And what the hell is that sound in the background.  It sounds like a marine engine and choppy surf?  Are you on an oyster boat??"
Me - (away from phone) "*dude, Jeff, cut the engine.  My boss can tell the sound of an oyster boat for some goddamn reason!*"
"Uh, no boss.  Just layin' on the couch watching Deadliest Catch n all.  Anywhooo...(gag, cough) won't be in today.  Put Bob on the Shriner thing...he needs the hours.  May not be in tomorrow if we get stranded out here...this old engine...I mean TV...er...I might get stranded on the couch gotta go wife bringin' me Motrin and soup bye!"

Here's the bottom line.  I'm counting on my family and my readers to notice any unusual behavior from me.  I won't go into the connection between "chemtrails" and the Masonic push for vaccination.  The Illuminati secret research on government mind control through voluntary injection.  And...wait.  I'm starting to feel a little off.  Fuzzy even.  I better get my regular poast in while I can still tupe.  Whoooaaa....

Here's the thing, man.  You see?  The government is great, bro.  I mean, come on.  Like, they work hard, man.  Really, really hard...sometimes.  They're always looking out for me and shit.  I love those guys.  They're tryin' to do stuff and stuff.  I think that the pharmaceutical industry may be infallible.   That means good, right?  I think so.  I mean, they give us drugs man.  Right?  The FDA doesn't have enough power.  Wait...they have too much power.  That's what I meant to say...I think.  They wants to keep drugs away from us.  Man.  Not cool.  And that derned USDA.  What the hell do they know?  Nothin'.  That's what.  Food?  Cows?  Come on man.  Nobody can know cows.  They're like...complex.  That austistics girl maybe.  Temple Grando.  So let's get those power back to where it belongs.  Phizer, right?  Glaxo McJohnson and Havartis and AstroZenderman.  They know whut's best forrust.  Bayer and Squib.  Squibs is from Haryy Potter.  Ya'll remember them?  Squibs.  Thats sound funny.  Also, isint squips like exploding blood packs?  Like movies, right?  Cool.   Luv dem squibs.  So.  America good.  Goverment is good yes.  Pharmabutifuls is good.  Everybodies go gets flue shops.  NAOW.

Causmic MacClorown.

Election 2012! Who Won? Who Lost?

     My mother used to bum around the house in this ratty, faded old t-shirt.  The shirt read, "A woman's place is in the house...and Senate!"  You see, my folks weren't just from the 60s, they were OF the 60s.  I didn't see a lot of tye-dye shirts or batik tapestries growing up around our home, though there were plenty of Joan Baez, Bob Dylan and CSN (and sometimes Y) records.  My folks weren't hippies per se, at least not the dope smoking, Dead following, Woodstock going, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi loving kind.  They were political though, and they could sing all the words to "The Draft Dodger Rag" by Phil Ochs which is pretty damned cool.  There were campus buildings stormed and protests and the March on Washington.  As they grew older, there were jobs with the head-start program around Washington DC, college teaching and eventually both of my parents worked for or with unions.  What I'm saying is that I'm totally screwed, because the impulse that drives me to speak or write when I see something interesting, wrong, beautiful, or divisive and fight for what I believe in is not just in my blood...it is in the learned behavior from my parents as well.  I simply cannot stand back and say or do nothing.  I cannot be apolitical.  I've tried.
     So let us speak of the election.  Who lost last night?  Mitt Romney did, though his concession speech was outstanding and inspiring.  Who else lost last night:
The far right which would seek to subvert America with its own agenda along with people who think that rape and god are tied together and that abortion should be legislated accordingly.
'merica.
Independent voting and candidates.
Campaign reform.
Whitey and cracker-ass-crackers.
Debt reduction based on budget process restructuring.
Religious oppression.
People who can't define socialism and Marxism.
Those who seek to oppress women and see them as second class citizens.
Racists.
Birthers.
Donald fucking Trump.

So, who won?
Obama.
The United States of America.
Centrists and moderates.
Love and civil unions/marriage freedom.
Gerrymandering (Marylanders, fuck you very much for killing democracy!)
Religious freedom.
Affordable healthcare and people with pre-existing conditions.
Science.
Gaming concerns and gambling addicts.
Ethnic minorities.
Weed.
Big Bird. 

     There's many more on both lists, but you can figure it out.  Clownies be smart readers.
     The fact that so many of the races were very, very close goes to show that candidates on the far right and far left still have to fight very hard to win an election.  Thank god or the void or whatever that they usually lose.  Most of us live, work, think and believe somewhere in the center of possibilities and ideologies.  If you do not court this moderate center then you cannot win elections in most of the country.  Also, don't blow off, piss off or write off the ethnic minorities in this country if you want to hold office.  Take that bitchez!
     That's it I guess.  I'm still going to be around talking about stuff I love and stuff that pisses me off.  This was never meant to be a political blog.  I suppose that timing is everything.  So stay close people and I'll keep filling in your empty holes with information and saucy satire. 
'Nuff said.


Caustic the Clown

P the fuck. S. Now is the chance to abandon your party.  Do.  It.  Now.  Don't wait until the next election.  Go down to the post office this week and re-register as anything but a D or an R.  Seek out your future independent candidates and volunteer for their election bids.  Give them some money for crying out loud.  Call or email your elected officials and let them know you want to see Green party, Constitutional party and Independent candidates in future debates.  Encourage your local blogs, radio stations, news outlets all to do stories on these candidates.  Only then can we kill the two party system, and it damn well needs to die.